


a pepsicola fanfic, written by john egbert

by brcflovski (orphan_account)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Parody Fic, Role Reversal, literally thats it - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-07
Updated: 2014-11-07
Packaged: 2018-02-24 12:13:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2581028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/brcflovski
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>this is ridiculous</p>
            </blockquote>





	a pepsicola fanfic, written by john egbert

**Author's Note:**

> me: *hates how the fandom portrays johndave*  
> me: *writes this in defense of the boys*
> 
> also i know it leaves off like there will be a new installment but Lol

John Egbert was one cool motherfucker. 

You, however, were just the kid that often sat in the front of the class, getting balls of paper thrown at the back of his head. You kept your head down but your hope up, because, hey, this is a shitty au fanfic, and the cute uke always gets the guy in end. 

Anyway, John is cool, and you're not. That's the whole basis. Also, he's probably your bully because this ship is often put in an abuser/abused situation even though it goes so against canon that it makes anyone who cares about these characters sick. But, you digress, and continue to hope that one day your little ass-loving dreams will come true!

It's just a regular day in your high school, and you took extra cation to avoid a hoard of approaching bullies (made up of Gamzee, Eridan, and Equius, because they're canonically stated as strong, so that means that they're going to be bullies in a humanstuck setting, of course!). You try your best to avoid them, really, you do, but before you know it you're being shoved violently into lockers and crying. You don't even try and fight back because that would mean you're strong by yourself and that you don't need someone to save you, and that goes against everything the fandom needs! 

It's just then when, huge shocker, John swoops in to save you! His big strong arms push the bullies away as he barks at them to leave you alone. Of course, they listen, because he's like the king of the school or something? Whatever. He leans closer to your trembling body, inspecting you, before asking, "Are you okay?" in a complete monotone. He's too cool to show emotions. 

You shake your head and he nods, picking your up off your feet and then you both just leave the school? He has a motorcycle because he's bad ass and a rebel and cool. At some point you probably say something like "Bro will be mad that I skipped school!" and he responds with a smooth, "Do you always listen to what your brother says?" 

You go back to his house and ask where his Dad is but he just does a shrug and makes a face and says "probably out somewhere, I don't care." And then you two make out in his room after a tearful confession (with the whole "but i'm not gay!" shtick), and then... you do it. He's silent the whole time, doesn't break a sweat, and you are a loud baby uke who just yells the whole time. Amazing.

Afterwards, you just cuddle. It's fucking amazing and he calls you cute the whole time. It's so gay and stereotypical and everything every johndave shipper needs and wants. Did you expect character development? Did you expect them to act like humans instead of cardboard cut outs with one goal in the end? Probably not.

The end.

\----

Dave slowly turns to a beaming John, who seems to be completely proud of the pile of shit he just presented. "What the fuck was that?" he asks, setting his phone face down on his desk, peeking at John over his shades. In response, John shrugs, though the shit eating grin remains plastered to his face.

"Well, okay, so theres this... uh, thing, where people ship us and -"

"Yeah, yeah, I know, the fandom. Everyone knows about that. I'm talking about that abomination you just made me read, John. That's not how either of us act!"

The dark haired boy snorts, rolling his eyes. "I was GETTING to that, asshole. Have some patience. I thought, since they already butcher our personalities so bad, why not reverse them? Just to make it worse!" Again, he seems just so pleased with himself, it would almost hurt Dave to tear him down. Almost.

The blonde leans forward in his computer chair, resting his elbows on his knees and his chin on his folded hands. "That was the shittiest thing I have ever read, bro," he says, shaking his head and looking very, very disappointed. 

"That's the point, dude! It's supposed to be shitty!" John counters, lips pulled into a frown and arms crossing over his chest in a childish manner. Dave shakes his head again, just to show his true disappointment. So much disappointment. "You just don't understand my art, Dave!" 

"Your art is shit."

"So is yours! I could pull up so many Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff comics right now just to show you how shitty they are!"

"SBAHJ is fucking gold and you know it. Nothing compared to that pile of baby barf you made me read." 

John groans, flopping back on the bed and angrily kicking his legs. "Rose would appreciate my effort."

Dave rolls his eyes yet again, turning around in his chair and grabbing his phone. "Rose appreciates well written shitty fanfiction, not stuff like that." He doesn't hear John's mumbled response, but it's probably a "fuck you." With a small grin, he opens up a document on his phone, deciding to rival John's shitty fanfic with his own.

This should be fun.


End file.
